Every June is a sad month for me.

Every June I am flooded with the last few weeks I spent with my husband Derek.

We were married 9 months and 5 days.

Memories of the excitement of a new family we were creating.

We were expecting our first child and were planning on telling our families on Father's Day.

Instead on Father's Day, I was at my husband's funeral visitation.

He was tragically killed on June 16, 2000.

My world was shattered.

Although time has faded the memories my heart remembers every last joyful moment and feels every ounce of pain.

Every June I also choose to celebrate his life and his legacy.

I wanted to share with you something I wrote a few years ago.

I want to give you an inside look at WHO I am.

I want you to know how passionate I am about life and living.

I want you to know where that passion came from.

"EVERY JUNE"

My journey of unfathomable pain and immense strength began June 16, 2000. I was 23 years 231 days old, and had been married 9 months 5 days. At 1:24 am, my world shattered as I unknowingly laid sound asleep. The doorbell rang shortly after 6 am. I looked out my bedroom window to see a police cruiser in my driveway. I rushed down the stairs. I opened the door and silently stared straight ahead at the police officer as she said, “Are You Derek’s wife? Are you alone? Can we sit down?” Derek’s truck was in the driveway and his metal lunch pail still sitting by the front door. I walked backwards through the hallway starring at her in fear. I kept repeating “Just tell me. Just tell me. Just tell me.” Her hands were on my shoulders guiding me, “You need to sit down.” Then my world came crashing down and my fears became my reality. Gazing into my eyes she took a deep breath and softly delivered me the devasting news, “Derek died as the result of his injuries.” I am still haunted by my screams that were followed by an eerie silence as life drained from every cell in my body. My husband was dead. I stared at her and in complete shock, calmly said, “What about the baby? What is the baby going to do without its daddy”?

It was the Friday before Father’s Day. We were planning on our announcing our pregnancy to our family that weekend. Instead, I picked out a cemetery plot, a casket, wrote a eulogy and stood beside my husband’s dead body at his funeral visitation. Smiling and carrying on with my honorary wife duties as I consoled the mourners coming to pay their respects. I spent as much time as I could with him, holding and loving him, cradling his face in my hands, begging him to wake up. Despite the numbing pain of grief, those last moments with Derek are some of the most precious and cherished moments of my life.

No one told me when he left I would lose him every June. But every June instead of suddenly it is now a slow drawn-out process. Every moment of my immeasurable loss is forever etched into my mind. Scars on my heart and soul that are so deep that they no longer bleed.

I lose him every June.

Every June it feels like I am watching a horror film filled with moments of fear and torture. My life had turned upside down without a moment’s notice and when I replay the memory reels of my life, I am heart broken, speechless and disconnected.

Because I didn't lose him once I lose him over and over again, I lose him every June.

Every June I choose to remember his smile. Every June I choose to remember his touch. Every June I choose to remember his love.

You have this ONE life to live. It is your choice the quality of this life.

Your health directly impacts EVERY moment of your day.

Your health directly impacts your quality of life.

Your health is in your control EVERY day.

EVERY JUNE was NOT in my control.

But I decided because of EVERY JUNE to make choices for the best life.

Every June taught me to be a fighter.

"EVERY JUNE"